The Definitive Guide for Aunts and Uncles A How-to Guide to Becoming the World's Best Aunt or Uncle
Anytime you go into a bookstore you can find about a metric truckload of books on parenting. Parenting the gifted child. Parenting the willful child. Parenting twins. Parenting the average child. But there is not a single volume on how to be an aunt or an uncle. Not one. Oh, sure, there are a couple of sentimental odes to the Aunt. But nothing about how to go about aunting. And this oversight needs attention. Aunts and uncles have always had a very special place in the development of humanity, and their role is growing increasingly vital. Parents have a thoroughly identified role. Spawn the kid, feed it, clothe it, house it, send it to school, keep it alive and nag on it incessantly. Grandparents have a special role--spoil, spoil, spoil. “Hi honey, you want a cookie?” “Won’t you have a little more dessert?” “Do you need us to buy you anything?” “Oh, don’t be so tough on her—she’s just a child!” And on. And on. Well done. But Aunts and Uncles, the invisible bearers of human culture, the unsung heroes of the development of good human beings, are nowhere on the radar screen. Some parents, many parents, maybe almost all parents, really don’t want their kids to act like kids. Let’s face it bravely--kids are a pain. They make more noise than machines that shear metal. They find dirt and messes where there isn’t any. They create entropy: they take apart things that should be together, and put things together that should remain apart. They mix salt and sugar, water and soil. They would mix nitro and glycerine if they could get their hands on it. Kids find danger in the safest of places, and create it if there isn’t any laying about. They work hard at trying to get killed. They search for broken glass to eat, electric sockets to poke metal objects into and cliffs to fall from. And they hone in on as if by magic The Place Where They Can Do The Most Damage. A colleague at work has three really wonderful kids. They came into the office one day with their mom--a fun outing. The youngest, Amy, instantly sized up the office situation: staplers, tape, top-heavy file cabinets, carefully arranged documents on the desk, pushpins, letter opener, swiss army knife, telephone. Then she headed, hands outstretched and fingers wiggling, straight for the computer keyboard. I’m certain that the few random keystrokes she would have made if I hadn’t headed her off would have resulted in this sequence. <<Format hard drive?>> So parents have a real reason for wanting their kids to act like miniature little adults. It’s just not a good reason. Dress them up cute, but don’t let them create messes, wail like banshees, find the lipstick, slip the car keys underneath sofa pillows, fingerpaint the wall with shoe polish, write their name on the cat with bleach, or take every CD jewel case from the stereo cabinet and build forts with them. You see, parents don’t really want kids, they want harmless little tiny adults, but ones they can get to do what they want them to (unlike every one of the full-size adults they have to contend with every day). This is where the aunts and uncles enter the fracas. If parents got their wish, how would these little bitty miniature adults grow up? I say: miserably. Into accountants probably. Or worse than that, economists (defined by some—not me of course—as accountants without personality). Humorless, dour, sour, serious and generally very un-fun to be around. To become an adult human being worthy of the title, you must be allowed to be a child when you are a child. The dough must be allowed to rise. Aunts and uncles have a unique and indispensable role in creating a human race that will be up to the task of living well on the planet. It is we, the aunts and uncles, who must help kids learn how to be children. Nobody else will do it. Kids, to grow to be real adults, will need to spend time being real kids. They will need to know how to chew food and show to people on their wildly protruding tongues that chewed food, to blow bubbles, to tell knock-knock jokes very badly, to make cow and chicken sounds. This book is just a start. You won’t find every kid-thing in the world in here, or every idea of what kind of kid-skill to impart. I tried to stay away from things that are dangerous, evil, or just plain mean. The world is full of human cussedness already. We need less of it. Kids can do mean things, but also they can learn not to do them. Use your judgment here. If you feel your sibling’s kid is too young for one of these tricks, save it for later or just refrain. In this book you will find fun things, for your nieces and nephews and for yourself. When was the last time you came home with grass stains on the knees of your jeans?
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Animal Noises. Every kid has got to be able to execute the basic animal sounds passably well, and specialize in at least two. Chickens, cows and frogs are good starter material. Cats, dogs and sheep are a little tougher to master, but obviously worth the effort. When you can a get the cat looking around the house for the intruder with your own mewing, you are getting close. My oldest brother Marty endured a forced encampment on my apartment floor in Santa Barbara some time ago. He and Diane, his wife and their three kids, with his wife’s parents along, got shut out of finding a hotel in Solvang, and retreated to bivouac at my place. Diane’s parents retired to my bedroom, and the rest of us unfurled sleeping bags in the living room. Seconds after lights out, a chicken was heard to cluck. I don’t know who made this sound. (Okay, maybe it was me). Someone else joined in with mooing moments later. A cat joined the chorus, and soon we had an active barnyard-type symphony going, punctuated by rolling belly laughs. As the symphony began to wind down, the cow or the sheep would start it all over again. Soon, Diane went to join her parents in my bedroom. I suspect that they thought they were over that stage. How do you make animal noises? You use the Carnegie Hall strategy. When the Manhattan tourist asked the cab driver how to get to Carnegie Hall, the cabbie replied, "Practice, practice." It’s just mimicry. Listen, then imitate. Keep at it until you like the way it sounds. Or until you drive everybody out of the room. Animals. Animals are really important to kids. Some educators think that children learn to discriminate between objects (a higher order cognitive skill) by learning the differences between animals. Animal videos, animal stories, animal photographs, animal names, animal toys, animal sounds. On a recent visit to a friend’s house, we were goofing off in the sun room on a rainy day, when a mourning dove landed on the skylight. Three-year old Christian was the first to notice, and the last to leave. This wet bird walked around the skylight for a while, looking down at us and scratching around, while Christian kept his finger pointed at the bird and alternated his gaze at us and then the bird, wide-eyed and trying to figure out to whom he owed this great good fortune. Announcing. Play-by-play announcers of sporting events have a good time. They get to broadcast what’s happening in a baseball or basketball game as it happens to people who aren’t at the game. Let’s face it, many people aren’t at the game of life, and either watch it as if it were on television or drift through in a fog. Try this: have your young charges describe what’s happening around them as if they were play-by-play announcers. “He’s walking toward the salad bar, grabs a plate, looks left, spies the lettuce. He’s going to for the tongs! He’s got the lettuce!” It adds color to any event (they do have color commentators to complement the play-by-play announcer) and sharpens your nieces’ powers of observation. And watching people in that kind of detail is really entertaining. April Fool’s Day. What could be better? Telephone pranks, practical jokes, all kinds of teasing are on tap for this special day. Whatever hi-jinks, make sure that your nieces will think that they are funny and not cruel. Funny: Call your niece and with a disguised voice ask, “May I speak with Frank (or anybody who doesn’t live there), please?” Backwards. Doing things backwards is really silly, but fun. Wear things backwards. Say things backwards. Walk backwards. Your nieces and nephews will think you are a hero. For a few moments they might actually not be bored. Band Aids. For who knows what reason, kids hone in on cuts. They like to show you their cuts and scrapes and really get fascinated with yours--the gorier the better (see M for moles). If they can’t have a cut or scrape, they can still have a band aid. A good supply of band aids is solid entertainment. Help kid plaster themselves, then go show mom, who may just pass out from shock at the sight. Bathroom humor. At some certain age, kids figure this out on their own. No need for you to encourage it. Belts. Sometimes, at least in times past, children needed to have a little more discipline. We grew up pretty terrified of "The Belt" although none of us ever felt it. Dad would ask, very calmly, whether we needed The Belt. No, we didn't, thanks, and a little less obstreperous behavior was the result always. There really was a "The Belt." Dad told us it was a firefighter's belt. It was white canvas, about six inches wide, rough, very thick, with two rows of holes and two of those thingies on belt buckles that you stick into the hole in the belt. The buckle was massive metal, must have weighed a pound and would have killed Godzilla with one blow. This was some belt. It hung on the garage wall from a nail driven above the folded ping pong table. Neither one ever came down, but we never doubted that The Belt might see some action at any time. But there is still a neat thing that kids need to know about belts--you can double them up and snap the two halves together to make a really loud popping sound. It is really great fun. Try it often and get good at it because some time somewhere you will need to show kids how to do this. Books. Books are wonderful. I like the way they feel, how they sound when you fan the pages, how the paper smells, the whole physical presence. And I really like to read. Kids often want to sit with you while you read, to see what on earth you are doing. I read aloud sometimes to kids, but subject matter is key in maintaining their attention. On a backpack trip one summer, I brought along a book on adult learning. During a thundershower, Cate and her kids John and Kelly and I retreated to the tent, where I began to read aloud from a chapter. John and Kelly clapped their hands over their ears and made howling noises to get me to stop. And I did stop, until they came up for air, so I could start up again. I’m sure they loved it, and I fully expect both of them to become adult educators when they grow up. Treating books well is an important behavior. There is wide latitude in what “well” means here. Obvious trashing is generally recognizable as obvious trashing. But see “Cartoons” as an example of non-traditional book treatment. Brothers and Sisters. They are precious. They are a pain. The older ones are like gods. The younger ones are like stickers in your socks. And they grow up. And get big. Bigger than you. And they remember things. Your nephews and nieces don’t know this yet, but you can help. A little gentle instruction when you see them being a little mean, a little encouragement when you catch them being wonderful. They revere you. It will stick. Bottles. You can do heroic things with bottles, and kids need to know how to do them. Blow into an empty bottle to make the sound of a ship’s whistle. Look at the sky through the bottom of an (empty) bottle. Hang an empty bottle from your upper lip by sucking the air out of it and then gently moving the inside of your lip over the opening. Bubbles. Bubbles are really great things. The float, they glisten, they shimmer with rainbows, and they pop. You don’t need fancy stuff to make them, but they are always a hit. Saliva bubbles are easy to make; materials are readily available, and cheap. They take practice, but they’re worth it. Soap bubbles, while requiring more gear, have advantages. A few weeks ago, I got a hold of some bubbles at a wedding I attended with a friend and her two kids. On the drive from the wedding ceremony to the reception, the thing to do seemed to be to roll down the car window and let 35 miles per hour blow bubbles all over the car interior. It’s almost unbelievable how many bubbles you can fit into a car these days before the driver gets really annoyed. Bubble wrap is a special class of bubble. Soap and saliva bubbles are silent when they pop, but bubble wrap has extra excitement. I’ve heard that if you pop all the bubbles in a sheet of bubble wrap it will set you free. I must be free many times over, but don’t know what is supposed to happen to me now. Walking on bubble wrap is a good way to pop the bubbles. Strategically placing bubble wrap on the floor in obscure but high-traffic areas of the home can be very entertaining. Bugs. Insects, spiders and other kinds of bugs are good things to have around. They drive most moms crazy, but really don’t do much harm and have great entertainment value. They are plentiful, inexpensive to obtain, there when you need them and useful for a variety of purposes. They like to go outside, and if you put your ear right down next to them, very close, they will tell you that. They hate being squashed, so take them outside instead. Your nieces and nephews will do the same if they see you laying off the Raid.
Camera, invisible. Click. What did you get? Free and readily available, the invisible camera is a perennial favorite. Pretend you have a camera. Still or video, or both. Hand it to your niece and ask her to take some photos. Of anything. Then ask her what she got. Color or black and white? Still or movie? Big or small? What’s in the picture? Next step: have her show her invisible pictures from the invisible camera to a person in the photo. Capturing the moment. To a kid, whose focus is immediate and all-consuming, every moment is full on and Technicolor. Whatever you are in the middle of, it might be easier to go with the instant shift in attention that your niece or nephew flitters to. Cars. This is a big topic. More and more, kids spend a lot of time in cars. A lot. So, what to do when you’re in the car with them? First, turn off the video if there is one inside the car. Too passive, the new electronic babysitter. Then, consider these ideas: Questions. Using your best whiny voice, ask, “When are we going to be there? How much longer? How many minutes?” See if you can get a chorus of whining, the whinier the better. Turn up and turn down the volume. Left side of the car then right side. Girls versus boys, front seat versus back seat. It’s really very difficult to be grumpy and whiny when you are laughing hard enough to break a rib. Passing up the restaurants is also good fun. Notice a roadside restaurant, and casually remark how good the fries are in McDonalds or the pizza is at Pizza Hut or the chicken sandwiches at Burger King. “Ooooh, McDonalds—they have the best fries.” When the kids burst out asking to stop and get some, just as casually say, “We’ve already gone past. Too late. Have to keep going.” Then repeat with the next restaurant. “Ooooh, Wendy’s. They have the best chocolate milkshakes.” Punch buggies, out-of-state license plates, and related observational activities, always sure-fire fun. Pick out something that kids can see or hear once in a while on the road, and call it out. Yellow Volkswagens, new Beetles, convertibles, cars with license plates from other states. See who can call them out first. It’s an ancient pastime (in automobile-age terms), but has staying power because it works. Magic turn signals. In a sly way, activate the turn indicator then remark to your nephew how the car knows where you are going. “Hey, we need to turn right here and the turn signal came on telling us to turn right. Pretty smart car, huh?” Cartoons. The ones on TV, fine. The ones you make with your sister’s kids, better. Draw up some picture of people or things in action, the fill in the dialog bubble. Who cares if you can’t draw? It’s in the doing, not the doodling. Try this—take an old paperback book and use each page to create a cartoon movie. Draw something on each page, in a slightly different position. When you flip the pages, you view the movie. This book has a movie of a locomotive crashing into a wall with a spot that looks like a tunnel painted on it. How artistic. Chocolates. What is in those filled chocolates that show up in slim, white boxes during the holiday season? Unless you work at See's Candies or have a secret decoder ring for the swirl pattern on top, you never know--until it's too late. Until you have bitten into the chocolate and hold it away from your mouth to look at, only then do you know what the filling might be. And whether you like the filling better than what you hoped was in there. Once you have used intrusive analysis, such as biting a hole in the top, you cannot be sure if the filling is going to be really tasty or really gross. But there is a simple sample technique that every kid needs to know: bite a hole in the bottom! If you like the insides, chomp it on down. If you don't (weird white creamy stuff), then just replace the chocolate in the little crinkly brown paper cup, reinsert into the box, and try another. Nobody will know that some sampling happened, and what they don’t know can’t hurt them. Cleaning Up. Just to prove that anything can be fun with the right frame of mind, make a game of cleaning up. Honest, this can work. Set a time limit for polishing windows, create competition between kids for the cleanest bathroom, express joy and enthusiasm for cleaning the kitchen. Clear Contact Paper. Put it on your list to pick up a roll when you are at the store. You can do all kinds of things with it. Clothes and Getting Dirty. They are kids. They are active. They get into things. They need to get into things. As long as they aren’t getting into danger, they are just doing what they need to do. Sometimes, if things go right, they will get dirty. And they will get their clothes dirty. Unless their parents rant and rave about the laundry, which will inhibit your nieces’ and nephews’ innate curiosity. This curiosity we should celebrate and reward, and not beat down. So, observe the dirt and remark on it. “Hey, nice grass stains, where’d you get those?” It’s easy for the aunt to do that, because the parents are the ones who have to do the laundry. Coins. Sometimes a kid does a good thing and you can put a highlight on that action by spreading around a little cash. “Hey, thanks for helping out with dinner. Here’s a quarter.” Okay, the parents are getting riled up now, “But they should be helping with dinner and we don’t want to create a bad habit in them, thinking that they have to get paid for doing what they ought to.” Whatever. Positive reinforcement is a more powerful shaper of behavior than anything (certainly more than ignoring the kid), so give them a little positive reinforcement. Coinage. Try with pennies, but older kids might say, “Uh uh. Silver money.” Cones. Those giant orange highway construction cones make great megaphones. Next time you are walking down the street with your niece and see one of these orange cones, let her pass by, then pick up the cone and megaphone style forcefully shout, “Everybody out of the pool” or something equally important. Collaboration against the parents. I’m not sure that you have to teach this to your nieces and nephews, but you may have something to remember here. Working in teams against the parents is an absolutely vital kid survival skill. The quickest way is to divide and conquer using classic decision shopping techniques. You didn’t get the answer you wanted from Mom? Go to Dad! Maybe he’ll say yes. Never ask the question to allow for a “no” answer. Then you are stuck. “I’m not asking for a yes or no, but if I did ask what would you say about me going to the movies this afternoon?” Dad might say, “I would say ‘no.’” But dad hasn’t said “no.” He has only said he would say no. Then you can go to mom and say, “Can I go to the movies? Dad didn’t say no.” Technically, everything is above board on this transaction. Collecting Things. Kids are born collectors. They don’t care what they collect—rocks, flowers, whatever. Our next door neighbor Aiden has a toy metal detector, and has collected full five-gallon buckets of bent, rusty nails, assorted nuts and bolts, and an occasional railroad spike! It doesn’t matter what the kids want to collect, but you will know because they will start picking stuff up, and probably will ask you to hold it when the items overfill their hands. Go with it. Find a container. Help find stuff. Cooties. A gull’s wing feather lays on the beach, with its late afternoon shadow arcing across the damp, tawny sand. Of course I picked it up. I had to, I was six or seven. My next door neighbor’s father was walking with us on the beach. When I picked up the feather he said, “You better put that down. It could have cooties.” Cousins. Special. Cousins are special. They are like brothers and sisters, but more fun. You don’t see them very often. You can relate to them. You can get in dutch with them. You learn things from them, especially if they live in another area or go to a different school. Crazy Glasses. Find them at toy stores—clear plastic straws bent into the shape of eyeglass frames. Drink colorful drinks through them, and watch the liquid swirl through the straws. Crying. It happens. Go with it. Cry along with your niece or nephew. Ham it up. Outcry them, dramatically, loudly, ridiculously. Tears will turn to laughter. Physiologically, a kid can’t cry when she’s laughing. Cuts and Bruises. If you have any cuts on your hands or somewhere, your niece or nephew will notice them and want to look them over. I don’t understand the morbid fascination kids have with cuts and bruises, but they have it. They are not only captivated by other people’s cuts, but also by their own. And they love to put bandaids on those cuts, no matter how minor. Keep a small supply of bandaids on hand. Use them liberally.
Dirt. Kids get dirty. No problem. You are the aunt, not the mother. You don’t have to do the laundry. Let your nephew roll around in the dirt. Get grass stains on his knees. Step in the mud. Every kid will make the chance to step in a puddle. Not a bad idea. Do the same. Discipline. This is not your department, you are not the parents. However, sometimes you might have to exert a little. Your nieces tease an awkward kid or something else a little mean spirited. Your nephews walk out in front of a cement truck. Do what you think is right, but follow your heart in how you do it. They grow up and they remember. And worse, they act like adults they have seen in the same situation. Set the example you wish they would follow. “Do it again!” See “One more time!” Drumming. Beating on stuff to make sounds is fun. Pretty much anything hollow works—a garbage can, a watermelon, a downed log.
Elevators. What kid doesn’t want to push the elevator buttons? All the buttons. Remember how you learned to jump when the elevator began going down? And scrunch down when it hits bottom? Your nephew needs to know about this. The inside walls of the elevators in many new buildings are covered with stainless steel that was swirled with grinders. They look as if someone got stuck in there and tried to claw his way out. Point that out to the other adults in the elevator to see if you can get a rise, and pay attention your niece’s reactions. Escalators. Why can’t we ride on the underside of the escalator stairs? Where do those stairs go, anyway? Why do the handrails have to be black? Everyday is a holiday. Ask anybody who has had a brush with death—every day is a gift. If we were smart, we’d learn from the experience of others to treat everyday like a holiday. Why not give today some special name, and declare it a holiday, then celebrate it? Figures of Speech. Sayings in everyday use are fun, especially when twisted in odd, Yogi Berra kind of ways. There are those figures that sound okay to the ear, but don’t come out on paper exactly the same. Fishing. A long time ago I saw printed on a small box of fishing weights, a little phrase, “Take a child fishing.” What a great idea. It doesn’t matter if you know how to fish or not, or even if you catch anything. Just go. Food. This is a big category, limited only by your creativity. To get you started, consider chewing food and showing it to others is one of young life's essential coping skills. Some call it "See Food" or "Lookies" (because you say to the intended victim, "Lookie, lookie" to attract their attention so you can show them what you are chewing. Great food items for maximum impact are mixed vegetables, french fries with ketchup, and oreo cookies if you show them just after you have broken them up but before the pieces are homogenized. Big Bites. The outline of a nice big bite in a sandwich is a thing of beauty. Bite large, then be proud. Show it off the anyone who will notice. Food in Teeth. This blight need not be a source of embarrassment, but can be great fun. Smile a lot after eating corn on the cob, barbecue, poppy seed rolls or broccoli. It's easy to make a game of it. Orange Peel Teeth. A classic. Quarter a medium sized orange and separate the peel. Make an incision down the middle two-thirds along the long Pancake Art. Pancake batter pours well and sets up terrifically, which makes it idea for art projects. Sure, bunnies and Mickey Mouse, but also caterpillars, stars, and snowmen. You get the picture. Seeds. Seeds offer a wealth of opportunity. Orange, apple and grape seeds make very good spitting projectiles. Accuracy and distance contests provide a great way to while away the time and create a skill-building opportunity that kids will thank you for. Watermelon seeds deserve special mention. Sleek, shiny, slippery and flat, watermelon seeds are a lesson in physics. Spitting watermelon seeds is about as much fun as fun can be. Let's face it, when you are eating watermelon you are already a mess (unless you are eating it with a fork, which is just all wrong). You have watermelon juice running down your chin and dripping down your wrists if you are doing it right. So go all the way and spit. The watermelon seed's aerodynamic shape makes it a good traveler. But it gets better. While your hands are nice and most, squeeze a seed between your thumb and index finger. Watch where you aim it. For distance, nothing can beat the watermelon seed. For accuracy, well, they are little unpredictable. Here's where the physics comes in. Remember vectors from introductory physics and trigonometry? (What? You forgot all that stuff as soon as you finished the final exam?) Vectors are physical forces in different directions that add up to one overall force. Why, when you pinch the seed between thumb and finger, does it travel 90 degrees to the direction of the force? Vectors. Can you teach physics to kids using watermelon seeds? Sure, but it's more fun to put a piece of paper on the wall and shoot bullseyes. Frogs and other living things. Kids collect all kinds of small animals to investigate and bring home. Frogs are the quintessential object of this attention. Smooth skinned, oftentimes green, big-eyed and notorious leapers, frogs have a lot to offer. There is something innate in the archaic parts of kids’ brains that compels them to catch small animals. Encourage them. Okay, watch out for rattlesnakes, scorpions, black widow spiders, porcupines, skunks and wasps. Most of these creatures advertise through colors or sounds that they are packing some kind of wallop and make it easy to avoid them. It's good to have kids observe animals. Some people think that children learn how to discriminate between objects (a good skill to have) by identifying the differences in animals. So go with it and share their curiosity and excitement. A word on treatment of these creatures. Amphibians, including frogs, toads and salamanders, are in decline worldwide, for reasons that nobody knows for sure. Habitat destruction, introduced alien species, air pollution and acid rain are some potential culprits. The combination of all of them may be intractable. Another view: children learn to respect other people by having reverence for life. Kindness to animals helps teach kindness to people. Animals are sentient beings and deserve kindness for their own sake. Encourage kids and demonstrate to them the proper way to care for an animal, to release it unharmed and never to cause it pain or injury. Fun anytime. There is a time and place for spontaneity, and this is it. Pat and Lindsey and I are walking home with their kids, Helen Rose and Lillian. The hail came down large and hard after about three raindrops, and Helen Rose and Lillian looked scared. So we laughed. “Hail,” we cried. “It’s hail.” We whooped and hollered and danced around because of the hail. So, Helen Rose and Lillian whooped and hollered and danced, too, taking our lead, and no longer concerned. All the way home. Gifts. Little presents at any time are good. That crinkly packet of 4.5 broken pretzels you got from the flight attendant: good gift. “Go to” in books. In some book that you don’t care much about, write “Go to page 78.” in the top margin. On page 78 write, “go to page 104.” On 104 write another page, then more. Finally, write in the margin, “Go to page 78.” Grossness. Gross is good. Nasal crust, flatulence, road kill, drain slime; these are all good things. Rejoice. Gum. Offering someone ABC gum is a fun thing to do. ABC, of course, means "Already Been Chewed." Almost no one accepts the offer once they understand what they are being offered. Then there is the disposal problem. By the time you are forty-three you have figured out that you can save the wrapper to put the dead gum in. But this requires planning and forethought, which most of us have not got. We throw the gum wrapper away as soon as we pop the gum into our mouths. Sticking the bland, tired gum under a desk, table or chair is pretty harmless (depending on the value of the furniture to its owner, who will eventually discover it, but you hope long enough after the affixation that the suspect could be anybody). Best thing is to spit or place it into the garbage (see Spitting). Hands. Hands are versatile props. In addition to making rabbits on the projector screen, hands can form windshield wipers. Thumbs can detach. Fingers can be double jointed. All these things are amusing. (diagrams here) Halloween. What could be better? Hanger gong. Wire clothes hangers make fine gongs. Hang one from another and use a third to strike. Stunning. Handkerchiefs. Dramatic, theatrical nose-blowing is a fine art that nieces and nephews need to master. Imitation is the quickest way to mastery. Set a good example. Handshakes. Every kid needs to know how to negotiate a proper handshake. Grab the hand straight up and down (none of this weird dominant power game twist the wrist stuff), look the person right in the eye, and say, “Hello”. Squeeze firmly but don’t show your strength. Then let go. That’s traditional. But there’s more. The lumberjack handshake: grab a-hold then saw back and forth as though using a crosscut. The fisherman’s handshake: grab a-hold and reel in the other hand. The dairy farmer’s handshake: it’s udderly up to you to figure it out. Happy birthday song. There’s no reason that you have to reserve this song for birthdays. You can sing it any day. Every day is somebody’s birthday. Some time during desert just start in singing the birthday song, and see if you can’t get the kids to chime in. When it comes to the part of the song where you have to name a name, then, well, be creative. Our brother invented a style of singing the birthday song that we call Marty Style. Start out the song very softly, barely perceptible. Gradually, turn up the volume as the song progresses. By the half-way point, the group should be at half volume. By the end of the song, everyone should be screaming the words full blast. Raise the roof. This style works best after you’ve sung the birthday song once using the proper style. Then announce, “Okay, now, Marty Style.” Hay. When you are driving down the road and pass a truck full of hay, or pass by a field of hay, someone needs to, at the top of her or his lungs, so as to startle everyone very thoroughly, shout "HAY!!," then calmly point to the hay. Everyone in the car will jump a foot, even with their seat belts on, but at least the driver will not be drowsy again for a while. Helping in the kitchen. Your nieces and nephews want to “help” in the kitchen. They mean it as help. In terms of culinary efficiency, their help is a dead loss. So what? It’s not about efficiency, as though we were manufacturing computer chips. It’s about fun. It’s also about fulfillment, about being together doing something, about spilling messy substances like honey and flour, about doing new things, about creating something, and about food. It’s about teaching how to read a recipe. It’s about teaching that there is a such a thing as a recipe. It’s a perfect storm of great things. Encourage helping in the kitchen. Say yes. Delegate. Find a way to work molasses into the recipe. Hiding under the table. At dinner, the more formal the better, when someone leaves the table for any reason, have everyone hide under the dinner table. When the absentee returns, keep the giggling down and act innocent. Hitting and kicking. Prevent it. Explain that this kind of behavior is not okay. “We just don’t do that kind of thing around here.” How many things can you do with a (paper cup)? Contests are good and most kids love a challenge. Cast the gauntlet with a paper cup or a piece of string. Set a time, pay attention to the clock, announce the remaining time dramatically, and count the ways. How you want your grandnephews to be treated? Once you decide this, you will also realize that however you and his parents treat your nephew is likely how he will one day relate to his kids. And they to theirs. Hundred dollar bill. If for some reason you come across one, flash it around to your nieces and nephews. For whatever reason, they will remember forever that you carry around Benjamins.
Ideas. Announce, “Hey, I have an idea,” as a way to place special emphasis on whatever you are about to say. It doesn’t matter if the idea needs special emphasis or not. It makes things special when they are. Imaginary microphone. Related to the imaginary camera, the imaginary microphone is great fun. Conduct interviews about major and trivial events. Imitate sportscasters. For added yucks, pretend that the microphone is hooked up to a tape recorder, and play back what your niece just said. Impersonations. There is almost nothing more fun than doing impersonations. Try impersonating bacon and eggs. Lie on the floor face down, like a cold strip of raw bacon in a pan. Then slowly begin to pop and bubble. Flip over when one side is done. End up by thrashing about and slowly curling up on your side. The egg is good, too. Crouch. Slap your thigh loudly and spring to the floor. Thrash about until that side is done, then turn (if you like your eggs over). Invite them to help. See Helping in the Kitchen, and apply to any situation.
The great thing about kids, and in my estimation the real reason that people even have kids, is that trite, hackneyed, worn-out-a-thousand-times-over jokes still work on them. The cornier the better. “Do you know how many people are dead in the cemetery?” See? Knock knock jokes are great fun. Knock knock. Who’s there? Frankfurter? Frankfurter who? Frankfurter lovely evening. Okay, so this joke was invented before kerosene lamps and isn’t very funny to read. Well, it isn’t very funny to hear either, unless you are six years old and have never heard it before, in which case it is an absolute scream. Puns also rate highly and kids haven’t yet learned that the proper response to the pun is the groan. This makes them a great audience, because nobody likes a groaner. “Got a match?” Make a circle with your thumb and forefinger and say, “Can you poke your head through this?” Then put that hand against your forehead, and poke you other index finger trough to poke your head. A no-brainer Humor is actually a pretty sophisticated skill (one which I haven’t mastered yet, you’ll agree) and indicates that kids are really starting to think. They can find humor in others long before they can deliver it (on purpose) themselves. When a kid tells her first few knock knock jokes, they probably won’t make much sense or be very funny, but laugh anyway. For instance: “Knock knock.” “Who’s there?” “A cow.” Then peals of laughter. Yup, that’s the whole joke. Well, cows are pretty funny though. Actually that one’s not so bad. Jumping on the furniture. We really shouldn’t. But if it’s their parents’ furniture, why not?
Ketchup. Enough said about that. Kicking rocks off trail. See diagram. Kicking the seatback in front of you. I don’t know why kids absolutely must do this, but they do. Good for you that it isn’t something you need to teach them. Knots. In the day of Velcro shoes, mini-carabiners and bungee cords, knots are becoming a lost art. Every kid really does need to know how to tie a shoe knot (take one extra turn before tucking in the last loop for a bomb-proof shoe knot). And a square knot, in case they have to reef a sail unexpectedly. And the bowline, because it is the king of knots and every kid should be comfortable with the king. Better yet, get a knot board for a present. Knot board are boards with names and pictures of the knots printed on them, with two attached pieces of rope for practice.
Laughing for nothing. It’s a good idea whenever you can to just laugh out loud. When your nephew asks, “What?” just say, “Oh, nothing.” He won’t believe you. “Hysterical laughter leads to crying” is a standard refrain around the house. Once the kids get whipped up to a certain frenzy level, the hysterical laughter begins, and someone will be crying soon. 100% guaranteed. Go get the Kleenex and be ready. Light is good. “Let there be light” started it all. John Muir called the Sierra Nevada the “Range of Light.” Stevie Wonder said “You are the sunshine of my life” and sunshine is after all light. There are plenty of good things to do with light. Flashlight through the head is a good one. Put the switched on light against one ear, and hold up your hand about five inches from your other ear, palm facing your ear. Ask you niece if the light is coming through. Pouring light. Given the nature of water and the properties of light, you can pour light like water. Stick a waterproof flashlight in a pitcher of water, and pour the water into a glass. Put some red food coloring in the water and make liquid rubies. Limousines. Passengers in limousines know that the smoked glass means they can’t be seen by mere pedestrians and people in more humble vehicles, like prison buses and Dodge Darts. So I like to wave at them, to make them wonder if maybe we really can see them, and that all the things they have been doing are really readily transparent to everyone along their path. Get your siblings’ kids to try an enthusiastic wave in tandem with a nice, friendly, “Hey!! How you doin’?” It will give the limousiners a little something to think about. Lists. Being natural collectors, kids like to make lists. It’s just collecting ideas on paper instead of rocks or shells in a box. Make a list with your niece of everything you plan to do for the next 20 minutes. Make up a grocery list, then take her shopping. Be inclusive:
“The living room is not a playground” is closely related to “hysterical laughter leads to crying. Once the wrestling starts, it’s going to be a lot of fun until somebody gets squashed or nicks the corner of the coffee table. Unlike in the movies, people rarely die from this so it’s okay.
Manners. Manners are good for kids to acquire and you are in a strong position to lead by example. The parents are going to harp on this and your voice will drown in that same sea. But by exhibiting good manners, demonstrably, your influence will be powerful. Dramatically whip the napkin from the table, wave it like a surrender around your head, then plop it in your lap. Voila, you are leading by example. Mean things. Don't do them, and don't let your neices and nephews get away with doing them. There's plenty of that out there already and we need to have less. Mr. Literal. Do everything your nephew says exactly as he says it. Mole doorbells. If you have a mole on your head or arm or hand, a younger niece or nephew will soon say, “What is that thing?” You reply, “Why, it’s a doorbell. Push it.” Then make a doorbell sound. If you have more than one, you have to have different doorbell rings ready when she presses it. And don’t get them mixed up. Money, Value of. Kids don’t bother to pick up pennies anymore. Point this out next time your nephews pass up a penny. “Hey, there’s a penny; let’s pick it up.” Moron. It’s not a nice name to call anybody, so don’t let it happen. First, there is the matter of pronunciation. Whether you say it like a male, two-part first appellation (Moe Ron) or not doesn’t matter. When somebody says, “I want ketchup so I can put some moron my fries,” just gently remind them that it is not nice to say “moron” and leave it at that.
Naps. They are good when you are tired. They are best when spontaneous. Planned naps are nowhere in comparison to just falling asleep. Twenty minutes is a good duration. Longer than that and the kids will be groggy for hours. Nice things for no reason. Lots of people pay back for favors. Some people don’t have to wait for something good to happen to repay the favor. They just do nice things for no reason. There are some famous ones, such as paying the bridge toll for the car behind you. You could have some fun with your siblings’ kids by saying, “Let’s pick up that piece of litter and toss it in the bin, just for no reason.” They may look at you strangely at first, but will get on board very soon. Maybe someone is struggling with grocery bags in the market: offer to lift a bag. But be careful. Once I tried to help an elderly lady drag her luggage through the revolving door in a Baltimore Hotel. He questioned sharply, “Do you work here?” “No,” I said. And she yanked those bags back as though I were a thief. Maybe I need to dress better. No seriousness. Call it a rule. With a very stern presence, announce, “For the next 20 minutes there will be no seriousness around here.” Set the countdown timer. Enforce the rule. If your niece does something non-silly, call out “No seriousness.” Then hang a spoon on your face. Noise mimicking. The world is full of fine sounds. Motorized equipment, clanging cook pans, ringing bowls and water glasses. When you hear a nice sound, repeat it a few times. Entice your nephew to join in and mimic the sound. A bunch of times. The bus honks, so we honk. Loudly. Noise versus quiet. There is a time for quiet, but mostly, noise is better. Raucous noise is best, especially at inconvenient times. Quiet has its time, too, especially when disquieting. But noise is a fine thing. A leader in an adults-only community in the Sierra Nevada foothills in California fought hard against a mixed-use housing development proposed for next door. “Our community isn’t ready for the noise those children would make,” she complained. Imagine: the sounds of children laughing and playing and making noise. How dreadful. Somebody should have invoked the No Seriousness rule on that lady. On the other hand, sometimes it’s just too quiet. Investigate. Somebody is up to something. Older kids. Older kids are very interesting. They know stuff, they can do stuff and they will do stuff that younger kids can’t, and that is very curious. Some older kids do a great job with your nieces and nephews. They help them learn, they set a good example, they model the behaviors you hope from your nephew. Other older kids can represent trouble. When your nieces and nephews suddenly take notice and say in soft tones, “Uh-oh, big kids,” pay attention. Learn to tell apart the two types of older kids and discourage those whose behavior you wouldn’t want to see mimicked by your nephew. “One more time!” See “Do it again!” The main point here is that, if everything is working, your niece will not want to quit, and will beg to keep going. Oblige.
Plants. A lot of plants are good fun to play with. Bedstraw (genus Galium) has Velcro-like hooks that cling to most clothes pretty well when you toss a piece of the plant at your niece. Maple seeds make great rhinoceros horns. Take a maple seed and tear it in half between the two wings. Discard the part with the stem. Peel apart the thick portion along the line separating the two parts of the seed end. There is a post-it note-quality glue in the seed that will let you stick the seed to your nose or chin or cheek or forehead. Very attractive. Play-by-play announcing. Act as though you are the sports announcer describing the happenings on the court or rink or field. Announce the emerging action at home or in the store in that announcer voice, and get your niece to take over. “Mom is heading for the stove with a pot of water. She checks to the side to see if she left the water running. Steps in front of the range. Sets the pot on the left front burner. Now she’s reaching for the knob, checks over her shoulder to see why we are talking like this. Shakes her head, goes back to the knob. She’s cranking the knob, and…and… yes, the stove lights! Score for Mom!!!” Conduct the post-game interview if you like, complete with hackneyed one-liners uttered by breathless athletes. Don’t forget these gems: Pointing out inconsistencies in parents’ behavior. Oftentimes parents give instructions to their children that they themselves do not follow. Help your nephew point out these discrepancies. “Dad, you said never to use the word “hate” but you just said you hate having to do taxes. Why is that?” Poke your head through this. Make a circle with your thumb and forefinger. Place that circle against your forehead and ask, “Do you think I can poke my head through this?” Then take the forefinger from your other hand, and poke your head through the circle. Popcorn. No explanation necessary. Enjoy it often, especially when your niece gets to help pop it. Pretending. Always a winner, you can pretend lots of things for good humor. Pretending to be a robot, for example, has gotten a lot easier with the advent of roller-shoes and MP3 player earplugs. You can also pretend to step in gross things, play dead, pretend to be at work when you are not. When you see a pile of dog doo on the sidewalk, pretend not to see it and step your heel four inches away, then turn your toe to the side at the last second. This is a sure winner.
Silence contests are also easy to instigate, especially if the prize is right. “I’ll bet you can’t be quite for two minutes.” I’ll bet they can’t either.
Really scary moments. When they happen, scream. Loud. Twice. At least. Repeating questions. Your niece asks a question. You repeat the question. She repeats the question. So do you. And on. For variety, you can tack on the front of the question, “Oh, so you mean…” then repeat the question. Repeating words. As above. The good part comes when your niece instructs you to “stop repeating my words,” which phrase you will of course instantly repeat. Restaurant behavior. In all seriousness, your nephews and nieces need to have restaurant etiquette, especially if they dine out only occasionally. This behavior transfers to eating at the homes of their friends. When their friends’ parents report how nicely behaved they were at dinner, your siblings will wonder who anyone is talking about—“Can’t be our kids!” Some basic setup rules—use utensils from the outside in, employ the napkin early, notice what other people are doing and if it looks right do that too. Chew. Eat then talk, but not both at the same time. Teach how to figure a tip, and how the tip fits in to the server’s finances. Be crazy and once in a while tip before ordering (TIPS is a long lost acronym for “to insure proper service” and customarily the patron did indeed tip up front). And always, always, always be really nice to the restaurant staff, from the hostess to the busboy. Be prepared to recover from restaurant mishaps. Spills happen, and their cleanup also happens. No big deal, be comforting and shrug it off. Unless you are the spiller. Unfortunate things get spoken in restaurants, such as, when my niece Jeanine observed the refritos on the plate of a lady at the next table and asked, “Why does that lady’s dinner look like diarrhea?” Well, there’s no good answer to that, at least right away. The lady didn’t think so, either, and rather picked around at her plate for a few minutes before pushing it away. Road signs. By necessity, road signs are terse. The letters have to be large enough for the driver to read at speed, so the number of words has a strict limit. Being terse, road signs are subject to various interpretations. You see a wide orange sign proclaiming “End Construction”. Agree with it—we have too much development already! Your niece will not dispute you when you talk about the yellow “End School Zone” sign, as we probably should end school. Pedestrian X-ing, why are the “X”-ing the pedestrians? Everybody knows the red hexagonal stop sign, but the sign is never, ever fully obeyed. Because after drivers stop at that sign (or do what passes for a stop) then they go again. But the sign doesn’t say “Stop, then if the coast is clear, go on ahead.” It just says, “Stop.” So, obey the sign until the drivers behind you give nonverbal cues that it’s time to go, and your nephew is begging you to hit the gas. Rubber bands and other projectiles. The lawyers would want me to preface all this with warnings to wear eye protection, body armor, shin guards, welder’s helmets, and nomex jackets favored by firefighters before talking about shooting rubber bands. But search as hard as you like, there will be no mention of body armor in this book.
More: Right from the gecko (What is a get-go, anyway?) What a wino (What do I know about winos anyhow?) It’s the cross-eyed bear (This one is fading from fashion, as nobody much is bearing crosses these days). Scaring. Kids love a good scare, don’t ask me why, but they do. Spring from behind a curtain. Hide in a closet. The setup is key. “Do you know where the broom is? I can’t find it anywhere. I’ll give a quarter to who can find the broom first.” Then duck in the, yes indeedy, broom closet. After the setup, the scream is next most important. And raising your hands, palms down, wrists slightly bent, just above the level of your shoulders. Secrets. Most of the fun in a secret is in the telling, not the keeping. So it really matters little what the secret is, as long s there is one. It goes like this: See-food. (see L for Lookies) Sharing. Sharing is good. Share things every chance you get. Demonstrably, casually, however you want. “Here, you want some of this?” Silence. Not golden, but more rare than gold with kids around, silence provides the counterpoint to all that noise. And therefore is valuable. You can’t really appreciate the noise until it’s gone. Most likely, you’ll have to gain a few seconds of silence by challenging your nieces to a contest. “I’ll bet you can’t keep quiet for sixty seconds.” Or by challenging them to “notice how many different sounds how hear in the next one minute.” That should work, for about 44 seconds. Singing. Singing is fun. At uncle Matt’s wedding, one of the three year olds, as best man Gavin was trying to settle the throng to offer the toast, burst out into the birthday song. Seemed like the thing to do, so Gavin went with it. Somebody in the room, or somebody somewhere was probably close to a birthday anyway. Singing glasses. Drinking glasses with a base and a stem can learn to sing. Hold the base with a few fingers (avoid touching the stem), wet the index finger of your free hand, and run it around the rim of the glass until the glass begins to sing. You will have started something beautiful. This topic may be closely related to “Spills” below. Skipping. Most kids know how to do this and do it spontaneously and without consciousness. They will be really surprised to see you skipping. Do it just once and they will wonder if they really saw it. Skip enough to catch their attention, and they will ask you why you are skipping. “Who’s skipping?” That should confuse them for a minute anyway. Snacks. This item might best belong in the grandparents’ manual, but you can use it too. Kids can always eat. Offering them food ensures continuing interest and loyalty. Fun snacks, things with colored sprinkles or some other off-the-wall addition will generally keep kids happy for a few minutes. Sneezing. A loud, hearty sneeze is a wonderful thing. Hold it in daintily at your own peril. Let it out, resonate it, project it and watch your nephew’s reaction. Of course, use a hanky. It’s possible to pronounce some words during a sneeze, but it’s not easy. Try “Shazaaammm!” or “Sasparilla!” for starters, and build on that. Spills. Inevitable and unavoidable, spills do not have to be a cause for dismay. Surely, the tablecloth will wash, the floor will mop, the carpet will clean. Spills are common enough that their inconvenience shouldn’t be an obstacle to having a little fun with them. Sometimes, a lack of spills can bring tension to the dinner atmosphere. At one Thanksgiving dinner, the buzz got around among the 29 diners that no one had yet spilled a beverage on the dining table, and this was unusual. Gradually everyone tensed up and conversation faded out. Nobody wanted to be the one to spill. So my brother Jim nonchalantly knocked over his water glass, and said, “There. Everyone can relax now.” So we did. Spontaneity. One of the things about kids is their immediacy of attention. That’s part of the oft-cited but not truly appreciated “childlike wonder.” You see, childlike wonder is frequently very, very inconvenient. “Let’s go outside,” says two-year-old Max, who in four minutes wants to go back inside, which lasts for perhaps five minutes before he declares that he wants to go outside. Max exhibits childlike wonder, focusing on the moment and the thing in his grasp and his vision. Max is being spontaneous. Max is being a normal kid. Go with it. The skill of matching the spontaneity of a two-year-old is innate in us all, but dingy and gray and cobwebbed and shriveled from a society that values convenience over all. Reawaken this skill. Say yes. Go with Max. He’ll show you what to do. Go to the Y chapter of this book and read on at “Yes.” Staring. Polite manners prevent staring at strangers, but no such thing applies to having stare-downs with your siblings’ kids. Set a timer, because they will want to measure their progress in ensuing rounds. Static shocks. Static electricity is a wonderful thing. Free, easily accessible with the right kind of carpet and weather, static shocks can be fun. Earlobes are good places to pinpoint. Sticking balloons. Balloons work well with static electricity. Blow up a balloon, rub it on your pile or wool sweater gingerly, while betting your niece that you can make the balloon stick to the wall without glue or tape. Static charge between the wall and the balloon will do the rest. Stick it to the wall and collect your winnings. Stories. We are a story-telling species, looking for meaning and discerning patterns in everything. Kids love stories and don’t really care how well crafted they are. Long stories can be good. Stories have a structure. First, the set up—what is the thing we should care about and why is it interesting to us? Second, the tension—what is happening that provides some conflict? Third, the resolution—how did it get fixed? Fourth, the hero—how does this make sense to the protagonist? Straw wrappers. Paper wrappers on drinking straws make great missiles, if you leave most of the wrapper on the straw then blow hard. Then go retrieve it so as not to litter. Superstitions. Superstitious beliefs came from somewhere and we shouldn’t quibble about their being unscientific, old-fashioned and archaic. For example, why not put your shoes on a table? Well, rather unsanitary for one thing, but dangerous? So throw salt over your shoulder when somebody puts his shoes on a table. Why salt? I don’t know, either. And never give a knife as a present. Insist on getting back a dime or nickel from the recipient. Giving a knife cuts the friendship. Or not, but who wants the risk? Surprises. Best thing. Spring them often for the most trivial or important things, and announce them with great fanfare. Swing on gates. It’s a small thing that not many people in urban settings get to do. But if you are ever in a situation in which there is a gate across a rural road, by all means, swing on it. Just once. Then run because the gate owner won’t like it, that is, until he harkens back to when he was young and swung on gates.
Talking like an adult. Imagine how your niece would sound if she were talking exactly like her parents. Teach her to lower her tone of voice, drop her inflection at the end of sentences, and talk about mortgage rates and how nice it would be to drop in on some realtors during open house events. One fine application of this technique is to repeat the parent’s conversation as they drive along somewhere. When you repeat exactly what they said, with the same volume, tone, timbre and inflection, this is called “backtracking.” It’s very effective for driving the parents crazy as they are driving. Tape recorder, imaginary. Aligned closely with the imaginary camera, this item is indispensable when pretending that you are taping what people say for posterity and for instant replay. Tattoos. Temporary tattoos and face painting are terrific good fun. Temporary. Teasers, brain. Lists of brain-teasers, riddles and puzzles are great time-occupiers. John and Kelly Hinde call them brain tweezers. Here’s some, collected by Fred Studer: Do they have the 4th of July in England? Why cannot a person living in Winston-Salem, N.C. be buried west of the Mississippi River? If you only had one match and entered a room in which there was a kerosene lamp, an oil heater, and a wood-burning stove, which would you light first? Some months have 30 days, some have 31; how many months have 28 days? A lady built a rectangular house with four sides. Each side has a southern exposure. A bear walks past the house. What color is the bear? Time capsule. Gary Tate’s grandfather once decided to get everybody together and make a time capsule. So he assembled a tube with screw-down ends and had everybody find little thingies that represented that time in history. The assembled folks inserted those items into the tube, dated a little note, stuffed it in and then the sealed the tube and buried it in the back yard. Nowadays there are companies that make real, honest-to-goodness time capsules. An empty jelly jar might work, too. Toaster-thermometer trick. Take an oral thermometer. Hold it over a warm toaster for a few moments until the thermometer registers about 108 degrees F. then have your niece run to mommy saying, “I think I have a temperature.” Show mom the mercury. Just kidding. Toys. Next time you are passing a toy store, walk in and fill your pockets with inexpensive toys. You don’t know when you will need them.
Upside down drinking. Sometimes the only way to get rid of hiccups (after trying scaring, of course) is to get a glass of water, bend at the waist and try drinking from the glass while your head is upside down.
Water. Loren Eisley said, “If there is magic on this planet it is contained in water.” Puddles, hoses, aquaria, creeks, ponds, lakes, ocean beaches. Tubs and sinks, buckets, pitchers, glasses. Ripples on a pond, sunlight sparkles. Waves. Wetness. Cold water. Warm water. Salty water. Green pond water. Ice. Slush. Snow. Faucets. Water striders. Dragonflies. Turtles. Guppies. Algae. Splashing. Skipping rocks. Sailing leaves and sticks on the current. Cooling the feet. Blowing bubbles underwater. Swimming, wading, racing the waves. Making a raft. Making a mess. Toweling off. Drying off. Drinking water. Whistles. A whistle makes a fine gift for your nieces and nephews. Good coaches’ whistles are still made of shiny metal and can send out a signal. Plastic whistles of all colors are plenty serviceable. Wooden whistles carved in the shape of a locomotive and sounding like a train are classy. Hint: if you give one a whistle, give all of them a whistle. Then leave before the parents find out. Whistling. Ah, whistling, an important life skill. Learning to whistle takes time, patience and stick-to-it-iveness. Be prepared to help you niece stay with it. Offer encouragement, demonstrate, and be there. Tune whistling is different from getting-somebody’s-attention whistling. Teach both. Windows. Windows are amazing things. They keep air out, but let light in. They also are a great medium for artistic expression. Windows take grease pencil, water-based markers and soap really well for writing and drawing. As long as you don't use anything scratchy and make sure kids stay on the glass and leave the walls alone, you are safe. Soap is fun, both bar soap and shaving cream, for drawing. Water vapor is my favorite artistic medium on glass. Windows that fog up from the inside are a genuine bonanza, ones of life's great pleasures. An ideal drawing medium, they work great for tic-tac-toe, hangman and other games that have gotten too routine for paper. For a special treat, teach your siblings' kids the proper way to look out of frosted windows. Don't just smear the droplets around with your hand. It's crude and reveals a lack of style and imagination. With the tip of your index finger, carefully create a small dot, no bigger than the size of your iris. Then, at a distance exactly equivalent to the space between your pupils, place another small circle. Now you can put your face up to the glass to look at the outside world. In a few moments the circles may begin to drip a trickle down the window. If a kid asks what that means, just tell her that the window isn’t really crying after all. "Why" Series. Questioning is a vitally important skill for kids to develop, and it can really irritate the parents. The most irritating questioning strategy is the "Serial Why." It's simple, but effective. Just ask a question beginning with the word "why." Then ask "why?" again to the answer. And then, to the answer to that question, ask again, "why?" Repeat this about six times. If you haven't gotten to the rock bottom of the issue, at least you have exhausted the patience of the questionee. Worms Song. If your nieces and nephews don't already know this song, they should. Sing it loud and gravelly, with great emphasis on the last word. It is sung to the tune of the worms song. Nobody likes me Repeat, ad nauseum.
Yawns. Think for a second about a big, juicy yawn. Place yourself in a time when you saw somebody yawn—a huge one, with lots of weird sounds. Are you yawning now? Do you feel a yawn coming on? It’s fun to make somebody else yawn, especially in a group. Chain reactions are the best, like the Wave at a baseball game. Can you keep the yawn going around in a circle? Inducing yawns are great, and ruining yawns can have their place, too. Simple. When you induce a yawn in your nephew, just lightly stick your finger in his mouth, without touching anything. Yawn interrupted. Just like that. Yelling. Whenever you are in a tunnel or other echo-chamber or in another useful place, start yelling and get everybody to yell with you. Go high, go low, harmonize. Yodel. Uulate. Show your uvula . You do not need a reason.
Zzzz. Pretend to snore, really loudly. The Three Stooges used to snore in harmony, Moe beginning with a resonant chain-saw rip, Curly joining in with a yip-yip-yip, then Larry finishing up with a nice, long whistle. Or make up your own.
The Last Entry
“Again! Again!”
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axis of the peel slice, then make three or four short cuts across the first incision. Turn the peel inside out and insert it behind your lips and in front of your teeth. Move to the mirror and behold the masterpiece. Stick out your tongue through the teeth for added impact.© 2007 Will Murray Company |